Did you know it’s our birthday?? Isn’t that cool?? We’ve been Typing About Steak for a whole year now!!!

Happy birthday to us.

So? What the heck did you get us for our birthday? Uh… Excuse us? You want us to pick it out ourselves, and you’ll pay for it? You’re going to reimburse us for our birthday present? That’s so cheap. We can’t believe it! How could you think that would be a good gift? Do you not know the meaning of the word “gift“?

Here’s an idea, how about, along with remuneration for the gift we select for ourselves, you just go ahead and pay us a decent wage for the time we have to spend choosing and purchasing our OWN DAMN BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!??!?!?

You totally forgot didn’t you? I knew it. I knew you’d never remember our first birthday, don’t even try to cover for your sorry self by trying to make us think you’re generous when you’re really just brandishing cash and making us do all the shopping and thinking. I bet you don’t even have dinner plans for us, do you?

Gadgets We’re Buying Ourselves For Our Lonely 1st Birthday

• Personalized Branding Iron, or Monogrammed Steak Brand, Triple Initials [because, sorry, we’re neglected and lonely … we get crazy fantasies sometimes … you know, lone ranger, … vast prairies … red-hot iron searing flesh]
• Disposable BBQ Grill [because we all have to face the temporary nature of everything, and how ultimately alone we are, without solidity or permanence]
• Rocket Pepper Grinder [because it’s time to fly]